Religion

All this talk lately about Scientology by my pal Tom Cruise got me thinking. You know, just like Tom, I’m a pretty religious guy. Without religion, what would I say when I stub my toe, or when I see how high my cell phone bill is?

I even think about religion sometimes when my wife is telling me about her day at work. Quietly I say to myself, “I pray to God she runs out of things to bitch about before the commercials are over.” That’s especially true during football season when the Buckeyes are playing.

See, she doesn’t get football. One time we were at an Ohio State game and the guy behind us kept screaming, “Let’s go D!” Finally after he said it a few more times, she sort of looked over her shoulder at him, then she looked at the field and nudged me and said, “Which one’s Dee?”

But girls aren’t supposed to get football, because if they did we’d never have any time alone. I’m sure they feel the same way about soap operas and Trading Spaces. Football is alone time, it’s peace and quiet time, it’s I don’t have to make room on the couch time. It’s sort of a religion all by itself.

Think about it. During football games we pray and we speak of holy things. Like during the 2002 Fiesta bowl when Cie Grant sacked Ken Dorsey on the final play to give the Buckeyes the national championship. I jumped up and ran around the house yelling, “Holy shit! Holy shit!”

Which got me to thinking. Do you ever wonder if the Jesus fanatics that used to follow him around would put his turds in a little bag? Then when they’d go back in town and someone would ask them what’s in the bag they could say, “Holy shit.” I just wonder if anyone did that.

Then that got me to thinking. What do you think Jesus would have done if a reporter squirted him in his face with a squirt gun? I’m thinking he would have probably gotten a kick out of it. I know for sure he wouldn’t have had them arrested only to let them go later so he could act like he was being a good guy.

I also heard that Jesus had one of his kids on Ritalin for a while. A lot of people don’t know that he had kids, but he actually had about four. The youngest one, Schmu-Schmu, was quite a handful so Jesus put him on Ritalin.

I’m told that one day when he walked through Schmu-Schmu’s room, it inspired him to say, “Though I walk through the valley of death…” But what he really was doing was talking about a metaphor for how messy the room was.

Anyway, he eventually got his kid of Ritalin, but he didn’t go shooting his mouth off about how stupid everyone else is because they put their kids on Ritalin before they kill them. And that’s because Jesus understood what it was like to have kids that don’t listen.

I mean really, can you imagine how differently we’d view Christianity today if Jesus ended up beating his kids? So not only did Ritalin save Schmu-Schmu from getting smacked with a belt, it actually saved Christianity. Even the Bible wouldn’t have been written if it weren’t for Ritalin.

So, since I’m a religious guy, I’m eternally grateful for Ritalin. I’m also thankful for the Buckeyes, and that’s where it gets tough because I can’t quite choose which one is more important. Oh well, God Bless and thanks for stopping by.