Birthday Fun
My wife’s birthday was yesterday, but the pain lingers on. See, my wife doesn’t just have a birthday, she has birth-related episodes. Basically, birthdays remind her that nobody loves her enough to give her a new car. Then that triggers childhood issues like what some girl said to her on the school bus about the dress she got for her eighth birthday (and actually I happen to think that story is pretty funny, but she won’t ever loosen up enough to see the humor in it).
What makes this year even worse is that she turned thirty, so now she thinks that she’s going to instantly lose her sex drive and get wrinkles. So I said, “what sex drive?” because I think it’s been pretty much slipping away since the day we got married. Well that set her off and she got up from the table and knocked her chair against the wall.
I was just trying to take off some of the stress of her turning thirty by assuring her that her birthday had nothing to do with her declining sex drive. But she doesn’t really want to shake some of the rocks loose in her head to really hear what I’m saying. She picks out what she wants to hear.
And once she goes there, she completely loses her sense of reality. I even told her that I was just kidding (wink, wink). But when that didn’t work I offered her a hundred dollars to go buy a sense of humor. I even told her that the money wouldn’t count as her birthday present because it would be worth it just to have some peace and quiet for the first time in about ten years.
Then she started crying about how it was her birthday and nobody cared. And I told her that it was because she wasn’t acting her age. But despite her always saying how she wants honesty in our relationship, she went ballistic.
That’s just the way she is. You can’t talk to her about anything because she takes everything out of context. Like about the sex thing. I was just mentioning it because I understand that you have to talk about issues like that, and I even tried to do it in a lighthearted way. But she thinks those things fix themselves by calling me names and threatening to divorce me.
She says things like, “Oh, so maybe you want that little whore next door that runs around in her little fucking bikini.” And I say, “No because she’s not eighteen yet.” I thought it was pretty obvious that I was joking, but (like always) she ignored my point which was just to lighten up.
And it’s the same thing every birthday, and double this year because she turned thirty. Then next year it’ll be thirty one, and on and on until she hits forty. And when she turns forty, I’m thinking about doing it up right to really take the edge off (since thirty was such a treat).
I’m going to start by renting a mechanical gorilla holding a sign that says, “My wife is forty – Honk if you think that’s old.” Then I’m getting hats and tee shirts for everyone she knows that say, “Lordy Lordy, Heather Turned Forty.” And I’m going to give her a cane and a box of Depends. That way she’ll see the humor in it and it’ll take the edge off.
What makes this year even worse is that she turned thirty, so now she thinks that she’s going to instantly lose her sex drive and get wrinkles. So I said, “what sex drive?” because I think it’s been pretty much slipping away since the day we got married. Well that set her off and she got up from the table and knocked her chair against the wall.
I was just trying to take off some of the stress of her turning thirty by assuring her that her birthday had nothing to do with her declining sex drive. But she doesn’t really want to shake some of the rocks loose in her head to really hear what I’m saying. She picks out what she wants to hear.
And once she goes there, she completely loses her sense of reality. I even told her that I was just kidding (wink, wink). But when that didn’t work I offered her a hundred dollars to go buy a sense of humor. I even told her that the money wouldn’t count as her birthday present because it would be worth it just to have some peace and quiet for the first time in about ten years.
Then she started crying about how it was her birthday and nobody cared. And I told her that it was because she wasn’t acting her age. But despite her always saying how she wants honesty in our relationship, she went ballistic.
That’s just the way she is. You can’t talk to her about anything because she takes everything out of context. Like about the sex thing. I was just mentioning it because I understand that you have to talk about issues like that, and I even tried to do it in a lighthearted way. But she thinks those things fix themselves by calling me names and threatening to divorce me.
She says things like, “Oh, so maybe you want that little whore next door that runs around in her little fucking bikini.” And I say, “No because she’s not eighteen yet.” I thought it was pretty obvious that I was joking, but (like always) she ignored my point which was just to lighten up.
And it’s the same thing every birthday, and double this year because she turned thirty. Then next year it’ll be thirty one, and on and on until she hits forty. And when she turns forty, I’m thinking about doing it up right to really take the edge off (since thirty was such a treat).
I’m going to start by renting a mechanical gorilla holding a sign that says, “My wife is forty – Honk if you think that’s old.” Then I’m getting hats and tee shirts for everyone she knows that say, “Lordy Lordy, Heather Turned Forty.” And I’m going to give her a cane and a box of Depends. That way she’ll see the humor in it and it’ll take the edge off.
posted by Roscoe at 7:05 PM
2 Comments:
And you thought my sex drive was bad BEFORE this post?
I didn't say it was bad, I said it was declining - *emphasizes with hand signals* - de-clin-ing. See how you twist everything around?
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